wanna go halves on a baby?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
