I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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