i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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