just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Someone signed my nipple.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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