Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
