Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
