life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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