I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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