When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
