So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Mom said you looked used
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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