glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
