I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
