Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
