tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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