Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
