If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
