I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
