I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
