i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
