I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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