you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
