I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
