I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
