don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
