We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My feet surprised me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
