i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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