doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
