guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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