Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
