allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
