I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
