guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
