It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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