Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
