I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
