i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
