i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
