dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
