I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
