I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
