So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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