How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
