I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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