Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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