Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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