first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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