Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
