Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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