I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
