drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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