What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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